Kitchen Confidential

It all started simply enough, with a little yellow sticker offering a 2X Money Back Guarantee. I only noticed the sticker while putting away a bottle of dish washing liquid under my kitchen counter. The storage space was dark but the label beamed brightly at me with a wide smile. There it sat, like a shy child in the back row of a crowded classroom.

Intrigued, I reached in to pick up the bottle, carrying it over to a window where I could read the label more closely. Clean up to 2X More Greasy Dishes* was the straightforward promise. Tempting.

And then I notice that qualifying asterisk. A coquettish glyph signaling far deeper meaning.  Squinting a bit, and turning the label so that the sunlight illuminates the small print I can now make out *Per Drop vs. Non-Ultra Joy While Suds Last.

Wow(!), I think to myself, this is so Postmodern: Dawn Ultra is just Saying What She Wants.

But really, while I respect Dawn’s wants, I feel that it’s TMI for me at this point in our relationship.

Dawn is warning that she’ll keep score at the per drop level; while she’s burdened by jealousy over Non-Ultra Joy; and even then she’s only willing to be in a relationship while the Suds Last.

Full of regret, I slowly walk back to the sink and gently replace the bottle in its spot under the counter.

I’m just not ready to commit.