As Julia Roberts said to Rufus (The Thief) in “Notting Hill” when he asked for a date,

Tempting, but no.

Since I had recently experienced AT&T’s “Troubleshoot and Resolve” up close and personal, I know first-hand that I get better answers from Siri when she ‘can’t connect’ to her server.

I finally did make AT&T trouble-free by cancelling their “service”. It felt good, and I never even thought to tell them that it was my fault we were breaking up.

Now if I could just get them to stop filling up my (real) mailbox with offers for U-Verse I’d really be one happy camper.

By the way, Rufus was played by Dylan Moran. You can instant stream his BBC series “Black Books“, on Netflix. Not to be missed, we give it 5 Stars.

You try to write a blog post about it.

But you quickly discover that your description is pathetic. The post keeps slipping through your fingers and you feel like an illiterate fool.

So this is not that blog post.

I’ll call this a note to self.

“Going Home” is the first song on Leonard Cohen’s new album “Old Ideas”. Cohen sings about the part of himself that he shows to the world. Paradoxically (or not), in the process of describing his public persona he reveals much about his inner self.

Who is the master and who is the slave emerges as a disturbing unknown, it strikes very close to home.

Here is the opening of their conversation.

I love to speak with Leonard
He’s a sportsman and a shepherd
He’s a lazy bastard living in a suit.

But he does say what I tell him
Even though it isn’t welcome
He just doesn’t have the freedom to refuse.

Not only are the words haunting, but Cohen’s delivery is mesmerizing.

After wrestling with this post and losing consistently, I have accepted that I can’t write crap about art. So instead, I decided to add some value by doing a bit of research on the back-story to the lazy bastard who plays such a prominent role in the song.  Here’s what I discovered.

In “I’m Your Man“ there’s a short section of one interview with Cohen in which he talks about his father, who was a haberdasher, and how Cohen himself got into the habit of wearing suits instead of jeans when he performs. I’ve created this little clip for your viewing pleasure.

In point of fact though, what I like even more than Cohen’s suits are his hats. Here’s just one example.

Come for the suit, and go home with the hat.

Thanks to “Going Home” I’m spending some time now trying to figure out how I would describe my own lazy bastard self. This is going to take some real courage, and that’s for sure.

For a brief moment in High School when I had an inspiring English teacher I thought I would become a writer.

It was a very brief moment.

But what goes around comes around.

So today I’d like offer some assistance to the writers of Mad Men, the TV series that has now been nominated for 17 Emmy Awards. Obviously these guys need my help, and they have ever since the first season.

The last episode of Season 1 contains two scenes that have become iconic.

The first is Don Draper’s marketing pitch to Kodak in which he coins the term Carousel for the gizmo that holds the slides on the top of their newly introduced home projector. Rather than talk about the product itself he conjures up what has become the Kodak Moment, as he uses pictures of his own family to illustrate the campaign.

“nostalgia…takes us to a place we ache to go again…it’s not called the wheel, it’s called the Carousel…let’s us travel the way a child travels, around and around and back home again…to a place we know we are loved”

It’s a brilliant re-creation of what may have happened in real life. If you haven’t seen it, click here, and spend a few minutes being amazed. The characterization of the two geeks who want to talk about their wheel and the hardware is so spot on, it’s perhaps just as good as the Draper portrayal.

Don Draper Pitches A Shutout For Kodak

As with all great marketing men, Draper is the first to fall for his own spiel. On the way home after that performance he visualizes being warmed into the bosom of his own family. Since he had previously announced to his wife and kids that he would not be spending Thanksgiving with Betty’s family it’s heartwarming to see him change his mind and be reunited.

Unsurprisingly, when he arrives home the house is empty and we realize the warm family scene we just witnessed happened only in his imagination. At this point the second iconic scene take place as Draper sits alone in the house as the Episode and the Season fades out to the music of Bob Dylan’s haunting “Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right”. Click here for this segment.

Not The Ending He Imagined

The Kodak scene has become famous enough to inspire a number of parodies. The Dylan ending garnered enough attention to now be included in the history of the song itself.

But is that good enough?

Here’s how the final scene would have played out with my involvement. Not a big change, but I think you’ll agree we’ve stepped it up a notch.

And here it is … we replace Dylan and Don’t Think Twice with Joni Mitchell and The Circle Game, whose lyrics are even more appropriate given the situation.

And the seasons they go ’round and ’round

And the painted ponies go up and down

We’re captive on the carousel of time

We can’t return we can only look behind

From where we came

And go round and round and round

In the circle game

I know, I know. I should have listened to my High School English teacher.

Actually … I did.

Final Note: Although I’m officially retired now, the Mad Men writers should know that I will consider all serious offers.

Finally, proof positive that the world is going to sh*t.

The Economist, to prove a point, has linked to an article in The Onion.

The matter of love, literature and taste is a silly minefield—one that often says more about how we brand ourselves than about what is essential for romantic compatibility.

Source – The Economist

The Economist Line "How We Brand Ourselves" Links to The Onion

What’s even more ironic, is that the linked Onion ‘article’ could just have easily made fun of someone holding up a copy of The Economist instead of Pynchon’s The Crying Of Lot 49 to make their lifestyle statement.

Its fire-engine-red logo peeks out of fashionable handbags and from the back pockets of designer jeans. Bankers read it in first-class seats. Hipsters read it on the subway on their way to work. It’s The Economist.

Source

If all this seems too silly and confusing, count yourself lucky that we didn’t slip in a reference to The New York Review of Books.

Note: And last but certainly not least, click here for an insider’s guide on how to keep ‘current’ with your Economist subscription by treating each issue like a bottle of fine wine.

The US Congress is getting close to passing new financial regulation, attempting to rein in our friends on Wall Street. Pending legislation would limit Investment Banks’ ability to trade for their own accounts, and effectively bar them from trading derivatives.

The bankers are pushing back.

Surprised?

The big banks argue that the Volcker proposal is misguided, for several reasons … the banks assert that the financial crisis of 2008 was a lending-based crisis caused by reckless loans made to unqualified home buyers. It was not, they say, a trading crisis.

Source

Wall Street Bankers "Getting Wood" Over The Volcker Rule

This is not quite the truth, or even a close approximation to the truth. It’s an outright lie.

• Investment banks packaged, securitized and re-sold the fraudulent loans made by originators, ‘enabling’ them to keep the hustle going.
• Investment banks deliberately ‘gamed’ the rating agencies so that sub-prime loans were magically converted to investment grade bonds.
• Investment banks invented new vehicles to peddle (trade) their products called Special Purpose Vehicles.
• Investment banks obfuscated what they were doing by re-branding (renaming) the slime that was inside these investments; for example No-Doc (Liar) loans became known as Alt-A loans.

And to say that the crisis was lending based? Get this. When Investment banks ran out of loans to repackage and sell, because their suppliers couldn’t make them fast enough, they invented a totally new class bonds called Synthetic CDOs that didn’t even require real mortgages at all!

It was truly breathtaking.

If you read only one book exposing the underbelly of Wall Street, get a copy of The Big Short by Michael Lewis. If you have an audible.com account, I can highly recommend the audio version read by Jesse Boggs. Listen while you are in the gym, and the adrenalin rush when you hear about these Wall Street thieves will definitely improve your workout.

If you are not familiar with the term “wood”, then here is your link to the Urban Dictionary. Caution, this link is not rated GP.

The good news is that if a catastrophic event destroys mankind our investments will be extremely well managed after we are gone. The bad news is that the computers doing it may be trading for their own accounts instead of ours.

This theater of the absurd scenario might be more plausible than you think, and occurred to me last week when our stock exchanges mysteriously melted down in the space of a few minutes.

I’m currently reading David Hoffman’s Pulitzer prize-winning book “The Dead Hand: The Untold Story of the Cold War Arms Race“. Its cheerful title is taken from a Soviet weapon system designed to have computers automatically fire a massive retaliatory nuclear strike at the US if Soviet leaders were ‘decapitated’ by an assumed US first strike.

The Soviets referred to a semi-automatic defense plan as the “Dead Hand.” The Dead Hand was a system that would fire a portfolio of SS-18′s on to the United States and Western Europe if its sensors made the conclusion that the Kremlin had been destroyed by a nuclear blast. The system was in place as early as the mid-80s. It is a bit of a miracle, given the demonstrated shortcomings of Soviet engineering, that it never made a mistake.

The Soviets claimed that they never actually set up a completely automated system, but instead would have had (surviving) lower level officials make the final decision on whether a strike was to be launched.

In any case I was struck by a parallel in last week’s breakdown of the US stock market. As I write this the SEC has still not tracked  down the specific cause of a 1000 point drop in the Dow that reduced a number of Dow Component stocks to pennies a share in the space of a few minutes. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when, a few moments later, the market recovered as mysteriously as it had plummeted.

F2U Rio Linda, normally a quick recovery after a market drop is called Dead Cat Bounce by investors. So let’s refer to this event as a Dead Hand Bounce in homage to the anonymous computers that caused, and then corrected, the disruption.

Last One Out, Shut Off The Lights

Although the real cause of the market dislocation is still unknown, what is clear is that a number of computers were at the scene of the crime. And those computers place their trades so fast there is no way humans can be involved in real time to supervise.

By late Sunday, a cause of the slide hadn’t been determined … Still, some new details about what happened during the brief span Thursday afternoon that sent the Dow Jones Industrial Average into a nearly 1,000-point tailspin continued to emerge over the weekend …

But it is becoming clear that much of the decline was because of glitches in how the market functions. High-speed electronic trading, long held as a boon that has made the market more efficient, can also trigger sharp selloffs that overwhelm the market.

Source

Although everyone is relieved that this storm has passed, it reminds me of a that old saying, “Problems that go away on their own, come back on their own.“

And now that hackers know what’s possible, they will have begun working on their own version of the Dead Hand.

I wonder what they’ll call it.

My father’s name was Jack.

When I hear someone say “You don’t know Jack”, I think of him.

This coming Saturday, HBO will air a film starring Al Pacino titled, “You Don’t Know Jack”. But it’s not about my dad, it’s the story of Dr. Jack Kervorkian and the end-of-life debate.

Last week Anderson Cooper interviewed the real Dr. Death, as he’s famously called by the media. It’s a fascinating interview, and indeed I don’t know this Jack at all. There were also several clips of Pacino in what looks to be an amazing performance.

You Really Don't Know This Jack

Cooper, who’s already seen the film, said “No matter what side of the debate you are on, this film is worth watching.”

If I had a TV, this would be at the top of my list.

Al Pacino As Dr. Jack Kervorkian

In the meantime I’m waiting for the DVD.

You don’t need to wait.

I’m a fan of Skinny Cow products. Not only do they taste good, but their ‘spokes-cow‘ reminds me of the old Gateway computer boxes and appeals to my inner geek.

If you scan through their product line-up you’ll notice that they have a great variety of flavors. But even more importantly, they deliver them to you  in a myriad of ways. You can consume them from cups, sticks, cones and sandwiches. Pretty much whatever form you desire for your ice cream, it’s there to enjoy.

And, when they introduce a new flavor, they don’t hold back the cones and cups so they can get their full mark-up on sandwiches for a few extra months.

Interesting idea, isn’t it.

Giving customers access to your product in whatever form your customer desires.

Maybe they should start a book publishing business or a movie studio.

That would be tasty.

Prettier As We Approach Closing Time

Our song might go platinum, all because there’s a new wrinkle (sic) on the menu of get-rich quick schemes.

Billions of dollars in corporate bonds sold to retail investors come with an unusual provision that could be used to generate a fast profit. There’s just one catch: Investors must team up to buy the bonds with someone who is about to die … major U.S. companies often issue bonds with what is known as a survivor’s option … investors can recruit a terminally ill person and together they can scoop up these bonds on the open market at a discount. When the ailing bondholder dies, the surviving co-owner can then redeem them at face value and potentially turn a quick profit.

Source

So bottom-line-wise, if our intrepid investors aspire to the big bucks, they need to partner up with a suitable co-owner just before closing time.

There’s only one snag for us as aspiring songwriters.

We can’t think of anything that rhymes with “co-owner”.

[Tip: In case you missed it, click the link to Gilley's video.]

Valentine’s Day is Leslie’s favorite day of the year, so it’s also my favorite day of the year.

Absolutely. I heart Valentine’s Day.

Last night we watched “New York, I Love You”, which I can recommend for The Big Day.

The especially good news for you procrastinators is that the film can be streamed instantly from Netflix, and thereby save your sorry tush right up to the last minute.

You’re welcome.

More Surprises Than A Box Of Chocolates

The film is definitely not your typical RomCom (Romantic Comedy), consisting instead of

… a montage of segments that are really collages showcasing many different cinematic styles, with separate directors, writers, actors, and all flowing together seamlessly with overlap between segments.

Of the various segments my favorite was the very first, with Hayden Christensen and Andy Garcia in dueling magician/thief roles. (To actually appreciate all aspects of their scene you have to watch it twice because you won’t get the first 30 seconds until you’ve seen it thru.)

The funniest segment had to be with Ethan Hawke trying to pickup Maggie Q, which then sets you up for another scene much later in the film that builds upon theirs. By the way Ethan Hawke starred in Before Sunrise and its sequel After Sunset which are alternative 5 star real RomComs if you want something more conventional.

There are many other dishes in this meal, and while everyone won’t love them all, there are enough tasty treats to make this a keeper.

Leslie and I gave it 5 stars.

And by the way, if you want to really get into the Valentine’s Day Spirit now’s the time to jump over to Leslie’s blog where she is capturing Hearts and Minds.